I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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