Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
