my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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