apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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