I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
