Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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