If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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