im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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