Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.