i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut