im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
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You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."