Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I love you. Go after that dick
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
