I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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