I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
