Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
