Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
