Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
