rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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