New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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