Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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