dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
