Got a toothbrush?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize