I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
