gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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