Where did you get a picture of my penis
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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