and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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