You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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