Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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