I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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