Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no you cant smoke seaweed
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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