I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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