PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
