cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
