So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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