if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
