I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
