Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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