Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
