ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
