I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize