I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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