Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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