my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
