I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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