did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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