i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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