Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
