my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize