If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
