do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
