You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
