so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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