i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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