there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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