i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
