Whod you bang
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
