Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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